It's not your fault.

I wrote this post this morning on my train ride to work but kept it in my drafts and spent the day wondering whether or not I was gonna publish it. It's mostly just rambling with a bit of editing. But very personal rambling. I think I more so needed to get it out of my system. But I've decided to just go ahead and put it up. What's the purpose of having a blog if I can't write what I'm feeling, right? Don't mind me.

My heart is so incredibly heavy. I honestly feel as if I lost a family member. Robin Williams has been such a huge part of my life as he has been for so many. 

But I think what hurts the most is that this is hits so close to home. I've battled with depression as well and it started at a very early age. When I was in elementary school I was lucky enough to have truly caring teachers that noticed something wasn't quite right. After talks with my parents it was decided that I would start seeing a therapist once a week just to talk about how I was feeling. There was nothing that brought it on, I had a good enough childhood and everything, I just wasn't happy. And it was at that point that I was encouraged to fully explore the things that did make me happy and use those things when I felt "sad"(I think they didn't want to tell a child that they were depressed even though looking back that's clearly what it was). From there I dove head first into literature, music, films, and astronomy. I read everything, listened to everything, watched everything and even went to space camp. 

Everything helped in the moment but there was no continuous fix. These are still the things I turn to in times of need and Robin's films were definitely a huge part of that. When I was younger it was Aladdin(of course!), Mrs. Doubtfire, Hook, Flubber, and Jumanji. I remember at one point renting Mrs. Doubtfire from Blockbuster and watching it on repeat(and having a crush on Pierce Brosnan). When I got older, Dead Poets Society made a huge impact on me and was one of the reasons I choose to switch from a journalism major to an English major in college. 

It just hurts that someone that helped me make it through couldn't make it through himself. Depression is a daily struggle. There isn't always a trigger. Sometimes it just happens. I think Stephen Fry described it best,

"If you know someone who's depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn't a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just it, like the weather. Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they're going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It's hard to be a friend to someone who's depressed., but it's one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do."  

I just hope that he has found peace now and that he knows just how much he meant to so many people around the would, how many people he's inspired, and how many people he's helped.

Thanks for everything Robin.

MKD